Are You a Master or Disaster of Marriage?

World renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, John Gottman has thirty-five years of breakthrough research on marriage. He describes the Masters vs. Disasters in Marriage. He and his wife Julie Schwartz Gottman co-founded The Gottman Relationship Institute and are the authors of Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, among other helpful marriage enrichment materials.

The Four Horsemen Disasters:

1. Criticism: stating the problem as a defect in the character of the partner 
2. Defensiveness: warding off a perceived attack with blame-shifting or whining
3. Contempt: any statement made to a partner from a superior place, insults, name-calling
4. Stonewalling: listener withdrawal, tuning out, elevated heart rate

The Four Horsemen Masters:

1. Gentle & Responsible
2. Curious & Interested
3. Respectful
4. Open, Honest, & Self-soothing

Every relationship experiences conflict and alienation. Repairing is a key factor with Masters. "I'm sorry. I blew it. Can we talk about it?" The quality of friendship and response of recipient is important as well, along with a sense of shared meaning and purpose.

The ratio of positive to negative interaction is significant as well (5:1), as the following video explains.

Important to have five positives to every negative. Gottman's ratio.

Why chimes with anxiety, or let's put the fun back in dysfunctional

We want explanations for the inherent chaos of life, to be certain, for reassurance. Don't we? I need you to agree with me here, being the fragile person that I am in such a hard world.

So why do we act, think, or feel a certain way? Why do certain things happen? Why are we here, for that matter? We all want to know.  Why does this yen for certainty makes us anxious? Well, because...

... see, I look for a story to fit the facts (as I perceive them), and it makes sense, to me. There's a logic, and that's what I want, sense in a senseless world, or so it seems. I need a reason.

Read any newspaper and you'll get them, reasons, but are they reasonable? Maybe they're the essential fictions that keep us going, that get us out of bed each day. But maybe we're just kidding ourselves. Call me Cleopatra, the Queen of De Nile.

None of this seems particularly alarming, unless of course your reasons clash with mine. Then it's time for battle, because (there I go again), if you're right, then maybe I'm wrong. That makes me anxious. So I'll argue, attack, erect a defense, react, withdraw, and judge.  

That's good. 
                        No, that's bad. 

That's right. 

                       No. Wrong.

Again, I'm telling you my story, maybe it's yours as well, a story that makes the world work, or better yet, play, whichever you prefer (the former if you're part WASP* like me). Maybe this story upsets you, conflicts with your view of the world. Maybe you think I'm wrong.

But listen. Please, listen. Why can't you listen? Why can't you understand?

Now there's a visceral word: under-stand. Support me. Hold me up. Carry me. Hold this. (I can't tell you all the times I've asked my wife to do this. Honey, hold this. Picture her eyes rolling.)

What is required for you to understand me, and me you?

Listen.

Rather than give a more detailed answer for you (more story), let's have a discussion. Wow, that word sounds serious. Dis and cuss. Maybe converse is better. Wait, con and verse, as in versus. All that sounds so contentious (con and tense). How about dialogue? Oops. Die and log. Let's just talk.

Your turn. Go.






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*White Anglo-Saxon Protestant. Think Protestant Work Ethic.